Morbid Visage

I keep this journal for myself; most of my entries are personal and written simply because I sometimes feel the need to write. The majority of it is public, so there is no need to add me if you simply wish to lurk my thoughts. If you would like to however, feel free. You know what to do.

1. Add
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I'll add you back unless you're an obvious creep.

Something it took me so long to realize is that I am responsible for my own happiness. Nobody is more capable of spinning a situation than I am, and if I put myself into a state of tunnel vision that blocks out any opportunity for satisfaction, I’ll will never be fulfilled. If I keep waiting on something to happen, without realizing that this moment, right now, is my only lived experience, then in short: I am fucked. It’s wrong to think that anyone else is responsible for my happiness or my capacity to have fun. Even though in many ways I’m a victim of circumstance, I need to wrap my perception around my life in a way that helps, not destroys. If I spend my entire life being miserable and suspended in a state of anxious waiting, then I’ll never realize the fact that my life is happening. I can’t shut it out because it’s not what I expected. Don’t expect anything.

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the ‘next’ button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.

Ok, here we go...

What do your friends think of you?
The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most (Dashboard Confessional - "Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself/ and hidden in the public eye/ Such a stellar monument to loneliness/ Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes/ perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by")

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Tiptoe (Ani Difranco - "I could wake up screaming sometimes/ but I don't/ I could step off the end of this pier/ but I've got shit to do")

How would you describe yourself?
This Conversation is Over (Alesana - "Apathy cries out from your lungs, indifference reeks of fiction/ time will tell how far you will go")

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Eskimo (Damien Rice - "Brightness fills empty space/ In search of inspiration")

How do you feel today?
Star Power (Sonic Youth - "Close my eyes and think of you/ everything turns black to blue")

What is your life’s purpose?
Bleed Like There Was No Other Flood (Wildbirds & Peacedrums)

What is your motto?
Rid of Me (PJ Harvey - "I'll tie your legs/ keep you against my chest/ Oh, you're not rid of me/ Yeah, you're not rid of me/ I'll make you lick my injuries/ I'm gonna twist your head off, see/ till you say don't you wish you never, never met her?" This one is so accurate its scary. Rid of Me is my creepy chick theme song. )

What do you think about very often?
Monster (Kanye West, ft Rick Ross, Jay-Z, Bon Iver & Nicki Minaj - "Everybody wanna know what my achilles heel is/ LOVE I dont get enough of it/ All I get is these vampires and blood suckers/ All I see is these fake fucks with no fangs/ Tryna draw blood from my ice cold veins")

What is 2 + 2?
Mouth Wooed Her (Animal Collective - "I figured it out/ I think I've figured it out...")

What do you think of your best friend?
The Cure for Pain (mewithoutYou - "If you're ever cold... there's warmth inside me/ I'm the pocket of an old winter coat")

What do you think of the person you like?
Hateful (The Clash - "Oh, anything I want he gives it to me/ Anything I want he gives it, but not for free")

What is your life story?
Spiracle (Soap & Skin -"When I was a child/ fears pushed me hard/ in my head, in my neck, in my chest, in my waist/ I never loved/ I still beg/ Please help me/ I was a child/ I am a child")

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Don't be Afraid, You Have Just Got Your Eyes Closed (múm - This one is instrumental, so no lyrics; but the title alone is very fitting. To be able to approach the future unafraid and with eyes wide open would be quite a blessing.)

What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Back to Black (Amy Winehouse - "He left no time to regret/ Kept his dick wet/ with his same old safe bet/ Me and my head high/ and my tears dry/ get on without my guy" Lol, perfect. )

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Fifteen White (World's End Girlfriend)

What will they play at your funeral?
Tropics (Mare - "You had it coming/ and I think you know why")

What is your hobby/interest?
Sister Ray (Joy Division - "Too busy sucking on a ding dong/ Hey don't you know you'll stain the carpet")

What is your biggest fear?
Pneumonia (Bjork - "Get over that sorrow, girl/ The world is always going to be made of this/ All the stillborn love that could've happened/ All the moments you should have embraced/ All the moments you should have not locked up/ To shut yourself up/ would be the hugest crime of them all")

What is your biggest secret?
No More Sorry (My Bloody Valentine - "In my hair/ Everywhere/ Everywhere/ And everywhere/ the prints of you/ Filthy daddy/ Your septic heart, your deadly hand/ loved me black and blue")

What do you think of your friends?
Devil Town (Bright Eyes - "All my friends were vampires/ I didn't know they were vampires/ It turns out I was a vampire myself in the devil town")

What will you post this as?
Spoilt Victorian Child (The Fall) 

It is honestly a miracle of existence that we are not all infinitely more fucked up than we are, than we allow ourselves to seem. All this time I have been under the misconception that by this age, by this stage of my life I should be a fully developed, strong, endurable woman, that my past, however difficult, is passed, and that I have no right to allow myself to be overcome by the things that overcame me when I was younger, weaker, and more afraid. I realize now, though, that we are all so rich in history and so detailed in our development that it is impossible to forget where you came from, or what happened to you there. There are things about people that you may never know, that may never be told, but are evident in every action and every word. Every conversation that you have with someone is full of context that you don't even realize exists. People are intricate. People are messy. People are difficult and destructive and deserve more than fleeting judgment or expectation. Be gentle. Be kind. Be patient. Be willing to understand that beneath every surface there is a labyrinth of thought and lineage, and don't forget yours. Remember that people are the way they are for a reason, and have compassion for yourself and others. We shouldn't be fighting. We shouldn't be creating distance. We shouldn't be eager to break down those weaker than ourselves. We are a human collective, full of every experience, every emotion, every fear and every triumph. Do not be afraid of what you don't understand, only understand that it has meaning. Understand that we all do.

Just a small reminder, directed to myself: It is not your obligation to put others in a good mood, or rather to bring them out of their horrid moods; stop overdramaticizing cheerfulness, especially when it makes you cringe with the patronization of yourself.

I spent so much time - wasted time - trying to make sure "all is well" with everyone around me; with everyone I know, that I now feel as if my very lifeblood has been drained from me; most importantly, I have been blatantly and repeatedly shown that my efforts are nothing short of futile, and that in turn they are nothing, nothing more than purely detrimental to my own personal well-being, or state of contentment, you may call it (I do not prefer the term of "being out of ones' element", but in this sense that very term could indeed describe the place I have foolishly thrust myself into). There's really only one person I can trust, and that person is I alone; therefore, being the only person I have, at any given point, to rely or depend on, I feel as if I am standing as a passerby while everyone I know takes away more and more vital elements; pieces of not only my soul, but my intelligence, everything I feel I believe in and hold high and true in this rotten world, and just everything I am, as a whole. It is fucking ignorant to let this happen, when I am all too experienced in my knowledge of these very things.

I am stuck someplace between completely masqueraded, and completely transparent.

Leaving is not enough;
you must stay gone.
Train your heart like a dog.
Change the locks,
even on the house he’s never visited.
Don’t wish away your cracked past,
you had to have him,
and you did. 
You loved a man
with more hands than a parade of beggars, and here you stand,
heart like a four-poster bed.
Heart like a canvas.
Heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.

It's a little late, but I made a list of goals for the new year. I try to avoid resolutions, because they seem so daunting. I usually end up getting discouraged and loosing motivation if I don't do well right away. These are just a few things I want for myself this year. I'm really on a quest to become a better, happier, more stable person. Life is so short, and the years pass by so quickly, I don't want to spend the rest of my days stuck in a self destructive cycle.

Health and Well being

While I have, for the most part, defeated the binge/ purge compulsion, I have not yet learned to balance the want to be thin with the need to be healthy. I haven't really explored the driving force behind my eating disordered behaviors, or the reasoning behind my skewed self-perception. I want to learn how to be healthy; I want this to be the year I truly put all of that behind me and begin to focus on my health, strength, and happiness.

• Loose 15 - 20 pounds by the end of Summer
• Do Jillian Michael's 30 day shred (finished 6/30/10)
• Eat less junk food and candy
• Prepare more meals by hand instead of eating processed dinners
• Exercise 30 minutes a day at least 3 times a week
• Keep track of calories consumed (started spark people account 3/8/10)
• Cut down on portion sizes
• Reach my ideal weight of 120 - 125 and maintain. No more yo-yo.
• Join a gym
• Stop emotional eating
• Stop binging and purging
• Eat fruits if hungry between meals instead of chips or snack bars

Self Image

• Get hair trimmed and eyebrows waxed regularly
• Try hair extensions
• Wear jewelry more often
• Grow natural nails long, and keep them neat and polished
• Make an effort to always look my best
• Build a better, more versatile wardrobe
• Wear heels more often
• Get a pretty tattoo sleeve to cover my scars

Culture/ Creativity

• Read more
• Spend less time watching mindless television
• Start writing creatively again
• Participate more in the local art and music scene

Other People

• Be more giving and appreciative towards my boyfriend
• Spend more time with my best friend
• Make an effort to think more of others than of myself
• Give blood (donated 3/ 10/ 10)
• Donate money or time to charity
• Make some new friends

To Buy

• Black skinny jeans
• American Apparel basics
•  A new pair of Docs
• Victoria's Secret and Juicy Couture loungewear (This ties in with #6 in my Self Image goals. More cute leggings, sweatshirts, sneakers, ect will make it easy for me to look nice even when I don't want to put a ton of effort into it. No more old baggy sweatpants and tees.)
• Several supportive, comfortable, pretty bras (Get properly fitted!)
• Leather jacket
• Glasses
• Solitica colored contact lenses
• More heels
• A better digital camera
• 80gb+ Ipod to replace my broken one
• Nintendo DSi
•  A new laptop
• A car

Learn

• To trust people
• To trust myself
• Medical Assisting (pass all my classes with a 'B' or better)
• Basic graphic design and Photoshop skills
• Knitting

Today I went to the fair with a new friend of mine. It was a small festival at the church a few blocks up from my house, just a few rides and a couple local bands playing in a set up under a circus type tent. I wore my new floral print halter dress from Anthropologie and a lovely old pair of thong sandals that rubbed the delicate skin in between my toes raw but looked adorable. We rode everything but the ferris wheel (I have an irrational fear of heights), and attempted to win a cheap stuffed animal by shooting down a row of plastic ducks (no such luck). The air was warm and I welcomed the sun shining hot on my face after so many weeks of being cooped up in my dreary house, curled up in winter blankets with tragic love stories written by suicidal poets. It felt so good to smile, to talk, to walk arm in arm with this lovely new friend who made me laugh with the abandon of a little girl. When we got home I made dinner and we had vegan tacos and diet Coke; I changed into my pajamas and we sat in the living room with the window wide open and the cool night air rushing in and watched Twin Falls Idaho. I didn't think about the future, fat, or my miserably failed relationships even once the entire day; I cannot remember the last time I felt so content, so comfortable, so unburdened.

I want to bottle this day, these feelings, take a swig whenever I let my broken heart get the best of me. I am afraid to go to sleep tonight, to put my happiness to bed. It is so rare, and I am afraid it will be fleeting.

Perhaps you are a stone, but despite my attempts to harden myself and achieve unbreakable-ness, my outcome is always more like an icicle: cold and hard in appearance, from a distance seemingly unbreakable, but quick to shatter with the first fall, and impossible to hold. I will always melt underneath your touch (or even the mere memory of such), I will always splinter into shards with each rattle or shake.

2009, so far, has found me at my highest weight since 2003. Driven by a series of chain reactions, my weight in the last month or so has skyrocketed to a number that will certainly not be divulged.

At the end of the summer I made the choice to leave my eating disorder behind me and to begin a new stage of personal growth in my life. Nearly a year later I'm having this strange moment of lucidity. Obviously my strict regimen fell through. It takes an incredible amount of focus and determination to be able to force yourself into a chrysalis of spiritual growth. It isn't something that can be done easily or very well in the city and it certainly isn't something that can be done while working and going to school. It needs it's own time.

My life is in puzzle pieces. With all of the opposing things that I want to do, how do I resolve them together and find my path?

I can say this: I haven't purged in 5 months. I used to think that I'd be bulimic forever, that it wasn't something that would ever stop haunting me, that even if I were to stop then I'd still face a battle against it every day of my life. But I don't, right now. I haven't in a long time.

But at some point eating strictly for health turned into eating sensibly; and eating sensibly turned into eating what I wanted; eating what I wanted turned into eating whatever I wanted; then, eating whatever I wanted turned into enjoying everything I wanted, whether I was hungry or not, which in turn became eating whatever was available and stopping only to sleep.

Turns out that bulimia wasn't the one that got me. My real demon is older, from days long forgotten. My childhood COE. I'm a food addict, not a bulimic, at my most basic level.

I've come full circle. I remember this moment so clearly, so long ago. Am I just repeating the cycle now or is the circle finally closed?

In the last four days, except for a very unfortunate social outing (this is why I can't have friends, I forgot) involving a trip to a Chinese buffet, all I've taken in has been lots of tea, water, soy milk, various raw fresh vegetables, and three apples.

I don't want this for myself. I have goals far beyond those that can be mapped out on a bathroom scale. Still, if it will take me back to my low weight, I can already feel myself embracing old habits with open arms.